Informing the universe

 

Name Change at work

My name change at work was largely completed on Friday the 14th of June.

My email, Teams , HR login and a few other systems were all updated during the course of the day. Aside from having to restart Onedrive all went to plan !   I did have to manually change my profile picture on a few of them, but that was no great hassle.

I had emailed around 40 colleagues on the Thursday afternoon - partly as a lot of them would have been off on the Friday, so wanted to make sure they saw the email in good time.  I had a number of lovely messages back from perhaps 10 of them so far.  A few teams messages too.  

There are a few women who I would have hoped to have got a message back from, but haven't - but I have also had a few of the guys send me nice messages, so it's not worked out badly.

The email was a slightly modified version of one Ann sent to me, that had been used by one of her colleagues :

Hello,

I hope you are well - I have some important news to share with you.

It may surprise you to learn that I am transgender. I have been living as a woman outside of work for a while now, and I feel ready to make this change in my professional life as well.

Starting from Friday the 14th of June, I will be going by the name Isobel (or Izzy for short) and using she/her pronouns. All of my IT accounts will be updated throughout the day, although it may be Monday before everything is in synch.

I kindly ask you to respect my identity and refer to me accordingly. This is not a whim or a phase, but a core part of who I am.

I understand that this may be new or confusing for you, and that you may have questions or concerns. I am happy to answer any reasonable questions you may have, as long as they are respectful and appropriate. You can email me privately or talk to me in person if you prefer.

I also want to reassure you that I am still the same person you know and work with. I am not expecting you to change your behaviour or attitude towards me drastically. You don't have to walk on eggshells around me or avoid certain topics. Just treat me as you would any other colleague. 

I know that mistakes can happen, especially in the beginning. If you accidentally misgender me or use my old name, don't make a big deal out of it. Just correct yourself and move on. What matters to me is your intent, not your perfection.

I appreciate your support and understanding in this transition. I am looking forward to continuing working with you as my true self.

Best Regards,

I was dressed for the first time on Friday (working from home)  , but I only had two calls that day, one from someone who had been notified, and had sent me a nice message, and one from one of my closer colleagues who had known about me for some time, and was checking up on me. So I haven't really interacted with many people as yet.

I will likely get more calls on Monday, I shall report back :)

Telling my Parents

My dad has been waiting on a letter from the DVLA confirming he is still OK to drive. I had visited my parents yesterday, and this got brought up in conversation. I mentioned I had my new drivers license back (it arrived  late last week).  My mum's curiosity got the better of her, and she asked why I needed a new one, so I mentioned I had changed my name.

I could see she wasn't very happy, but I had taken my youngest with me, and I don't think she wanted to cause a fuss in front of him.  She did ask me what I preferred to be called, then continued to use my dead name for the rest of the time we were there - three or four times.

I also got a funny look, as I had gone with eyebrows done, and some foundation on my beard shadow area. 

My dad seemed oblivious, didn't really say anything, and deadnamed me when I left - with what is going on with his health I don't really mind with him, it could well be the last year I have with him, so I am not going to get upset with him  over this.  

My mum did send me a Whatsapp after I had returned home, wishing me a happy fathers day for tommorow - normally she would use my name in the message, but this time there was no name at all. So perhaps she will be attempting to not use one at all - which is better than my deadname at least.

I did wonder on reflection if the fathers day thing was another dig, potentially reminding me of my birth gender again, she seems to do this every so often. But I might just be paranoid.

3rd Parties

I got my drivers license back, and separately the deed poll I had sent. I had folded it, as I figure it's better to have a few copies that I can mail out, which I can reuse for other things, rather than spending a lot more on postage to send in big envelopes.

I've notified the electoral register, but not heard back - no idea if I will be able to vote now.

I did tell the HMRC too, using their online system, expecting to hear back from them asking me to post in the deed poll, but also not heard back.

Hoping to go into the bank on Friday to get things started with them, now I have some photo ID.

There are a few suppliers at work I need to email on Monday too.  I've been able to change my gas/electric details online with no proof, so I will be able to print out utility statements soon which will serve as other forms of ID too.  

I've also done things like Amazon and Vinted, as I can now prove who I am to go pick things up if there are delivery issues.

LinkedIn - posted some pics on Insta / Facebook to see what people suggested in terms of hair tied up or down. Most people said down, so I went with that.

Still need to do the Doctors, and will now need to notify Nottingham GIC that the NHS number on my application will need updating when I get a new one. 

Might do my mobile phone contract in a bit.

Medical Updates

I had a box of goodies from GenderGP, not wanting to play side effect roulette, I decided to try one new medication at any time, so I can be sure which one is causing me issues if I get any.

I have done a trial of the Finasteride this week (1mg), not 100% sure but think my tinnitus was a bit worse. There was also a bit of skin itching. I only did a few days, I will likely start on them again this week, but perhaps only taking half a pill a day.

I have not tried the progesterone yet, or the blocker - I am thinking I probably don't even need the blocker and that it was a bit of a waste of time getting it. The Finasteride will suppress my T level, and also increasing my E dosage to 3 pumps a day should also suppress it a bit more too.

My doctor has asked me to schedule another blood test, I am not sure if he just knows that I would want one sooner rather later anyway, he was concerned my E levels were too high - which they for someone with a male NHS number, but he did put in the notes he was aware I was on gel, as I had told him this.

Cosmetic News

I tried a new hair dye by John Freida, it was a foam type - meant to be a amber/brown.  It has worked OK on my grey, but on my darker hair it's not done much.  I didn't like how it went on, I have ordered some Schwarzkopf from Amazon to try - 'Cranberry Bliss' , I am hoping this will work better !

Social events

LFF was fab, there were four girls from Chameleons there, for three of them it was their 1st time. They all seemed to enjoy themselves. I was good, and remained relatively sober, despite several flaming cocktails in the Shed (Flaming Zombies).

I walked one of the girls back to the hotel from the Smokestack, and got her in the lift as she seemed a bit wobbly. Then went back for a bit, and ended up taking another one back via Big Bites as well.  

Ann managed to get the last one back after I had retired to bed, one had gone to bed early after the food, but it was not her 1st time.

I should have been at Chameleons on the Thursday night before my name change at work, but the car park was closed, and I really wanted a good nights sleep before that day, as besides the stress of the change, I also had some really important work to do !

Hopefully will be at the next one.

Last night I was at an 80's night in Hull, which was great - although I am waiting for a bus lane fine, as I am sure I was in one during a time when I shouldn't.

Josephine

I did some cool external videos' with my mounting system on the car, and my YouTube channel numbers seem to be growing a lot faster since the breakdown video - but have attracted more peddle pumpers. Well at least people are watching the videos
:)

Darth Hideous

 

My dad is a lot better, he is still nowhere near 100% back with us mentally. But he can speak in sentences now, he knows who we are, and he's complaining about the food :) . We had a chat with a doctor on Friday and it seems like he will be in there for a long time to recover. 

On Wednesday my mum decided that there was not enough worry going around, and started to chuck in some passive aggressive comments about my lifestyle in some message she sent. Also was upset that my wife was not taking her up on her generous offer of support about that aspect. 

She had knitted me a hat, and I had mistakenly assumed she would be pleased to see me wearing it, so I had sent her a picture (en-femme) - I think this set her off. I can't see me wearing it in bloke mode to be honest. 

I shut her down pretty quickly - in a fairly nice way, saying that we had enough to worry about at the moment without getting into all that, and my wife might not feel comfortable talking about that with her.  I didn't want to escalate issues, so refrained from returning a broadside to keep the peace - was quite angry.

But it did put in a pretty bad mood on Thursday. Thankfully I was going to Chams for the Xmas fuddle, and managed to have a really good time there.  I was feeling massively more relaxed and happy as I left.

My wife has taken her into hospital to see my dad this morning, so I await to see what was said during the drive there and back.

Not long till Xmas now, I will be at the in-laws for four days, I am already dreading it, yet more family to see me with the long hair.  I've trimmed my talons, so they are a bit less obvious at least. I only have one more social event planned before we go down and that is this evening, so I may leave the beard growing a bit - it's not a lot now, but it does help maintain the illusion.

It's the Trans-Wakefield Xmas meal tonight, I am off to Asda shortly to get food for lunch, then I will stick my face on. 

Sunday Walk

Last Saturday I was meant to be walking around Newmillerdam with Trans-Wakefield, but hadn't been able to due to hospital visiting.  So I decided to walk there on my own on the Sunday, it's about 6km from my house.  I had been wanting to try going for local walks dressed, as I felt a little trapped without the ability to do that. I do enjoy going on a random Sunday walk.

I had bought a coat and wellies and a warm jumper from Ebay/Vinted for winter outdoor adventures, the wellies have rainbows on 🤣 - The hat as previously mentioned was knitted by my mum.  I quite like it - but some friends have called it hideous. 

I was still not as comfortable walking around in the countryside on my own as a city, felt a little on edge. Trapped by the narrow confines of the footpaths. If I were living alone I might well want a big dog with me. I wasn't doing much eye contact with passers-by, but it was fairly quiet out and I didn't see that many people.  

When I got there, I went straight to the other pub over the road from the car park the 'Fox and hounds', it was very warm in there and not many places to sit, so I only stayed for one in there.

Next I headed the short distance to the pub I was in the previous day 'The Dam Inn'. It was nicer in there, and I stayed in there for the rest of the afternoon. The people behind the bar were very friendly, and felt safe and accepted in there. 

It was dark by the time I wanted to leave, and my wife was worried and offered a lift, but I could tell it was an inconvenience so I decided to get an Uber.  He was nice enough, had some small talk, nearly ended up on the other side of the car when he took a corner very quick though !

Chameleons

Had been looking forward to the fuddle, it is my most favourite of the meetings - not only because I get to stuff my face, but just gets us all moving around a bit more. I put on jeans and a Xmas jumper for the drive down. 

As previously mentioned I wasn't in a fab mood, but I figured once I was there I would enjoy myself, so I should proceed as planned.  I hadn't been 100% sure I would be able to go with my dad health as it was, so I hadn't said I was taking anything, and decided to buy a cheese selection and biscuits as this was not on the list of things others were buying. Looks like Joanna had the same idea , and we ended up with two cheese selections. But we ate it all , so glad we did !

I changed into a slightly bodycon sequin dress when I arrived, I didn't want to wear in on the way down in case i needed to pop into the services. Also put on my goth boots, which I really liked wearing with the big sequin dress at LFF a few weeks ago.

Someone had brought a mini speaker and put some xmas tunes on which was nice, it was quiet enough that we could all still talk.  

Was really great to catch up with everyone, I had missed a few meetings in recent months. 

Was feeling very relaxed and happy by the time I left, and very glad I had gone - as I knew I would be. I got back after midnight, I wasn't very frugal with the electrons on the way home, and it was warm enough I was in no danger of running low.

Xmas Shopping

I decided to go to Leeds yesterday, but changed my mind as I was driving and went to Wakefield instead. I spent the afternoon pottering around.  Popped into my new favourite Café for a Mocha and some food. Tried the Lasagne this time, but it wasn't that good. 

I didn't spend much on myself, other than some opaque tights from Matalan, some fake nails from Home Bargains, and some cheap own brand lashes from Superdrug.  I favour the Eyelure ones normally, but they are quite expensive, usually at least £5. These ones were £2.50.

Also got a 'Choc Ice' Stout from Sainsburys to try.

I wore my Banned Retro Peacock dress, and my high heel DM's. I was quite overdressed really.

Also went looking for a record player, but they were out of stock in Currys and Argos, so I have bought online.

It was a nice afternoon out.  

Incremental Coming Out ++

So in short I just came out to my mum over WhatsApp messenger - we had what seemed a tortuously long chat via messenger - due to waiting for replies, then we then had a nice 40 minute call together.

Key phrase from chat, and the photo I sent her :

"That is me, I am transgender, I currently present as female  on a regular basis"

I am a bit emotional at the moment, relived, drained, happy,  anxious of how my dad will react.

Joanna has been lovely as well as other friends I've been in touch with during/since.

The longer version:

I had thought that my parents were suspicious of me (seems I was wrong) , I had visited them on Saturday, and not much was said other than that mum liked my new hair. 

I have been growing it on top, in the hope I may be able to have a fairly ambiguous swept over style.

Then today she sent me a WhatsApp suggesting that there was something else different about me, she was convinced I had been wearing contact lenses instead of my usual glasses. I had my glasses on, so no idea how she thought that.

Anyway, since she had got the idea that something was different about me, I thought it might be the easiest opportunity I would ever get to do the deed, so I replied :

"My eyebrows were heavily plucked, my nails were long, and my arms were shaved, my hair is being grown long. My boots had side zips because they were female ones."

I sent that, then the photo above, and this wasn't sufficient as it turns out, so in the end "That is me, I am transgender, I currently present as female  on a regular basis"

We chatted a bit more, then eventually she asked if she could call me. I was going to chicken out, as I was pretty done by this point, but thought I should be brave and get it over with.

It was a lovely call, she was very supportive, and sorry that I had felt the need to hide for so long. We discussed how it affected the family , my wife and kids, and future plans for transition. How my dad was likely to react. That I should be the one to tell my brother - not today though.

I'm not sure it could have gone any better !!

I had assumed it would not go that well at all, I feel a bit guilty for assuming the worst. I had been distancing myself from them, and being rather withdrawn as a result, and they had noticed. 

I suppose could still go bad with my dad, but only time will tell.

Anyway it's another excuse off the list, what will be will be.