A short interlude from the adventure posts to talk about life progress - ok and show some outfit snaps
Being 'Out'
Well I finally walked the very short distance to my local Asda dressed. It all was fine as I expected it would be - but it's something I have been hesitant to do until now.
I'm a bit tired and I have much less f**ks than usual due to excessive weekend fun in Leeds.
We were out of cat food, and he really doesn't care what I am dressed like, I had just got back home and I knew he wasn't going to leave me alone, and I intend to stay dressed for the rest of the day.
The photo is from the hotel this morning, for Asda I had my black sandals, denim jacket and a new grey handbag I got from TK-Max yesterday.
I am not really out to the neighbours as such, I don't avoid them, and they will have seen me in the car, but it just feels more scary being out to the neighbourhood. Distant towns and cities, it's not on my doorstep, so seems less 'real' - I have nothing to fear. I don't think I saw any of my neighbours there there though.
Anyway, feels like another small step forward.
Hormones - Micro-dose
Finally got around to sending my wife the link to the Micro-dosing info sheet from Gender GP. She is concerned about side effects. I will see if I can find anything more on that. But seemed a fairly positive response.
I hope to get the ball rolling with these this month.
Temptation to come out at work
We have a big company wide meetup next month at a theme park - we will be in a conference room for most of the day. There are 300+ of us now, I don't interact with much more than 10% if that though in the normal course of my duties.
Anyway, I have been pondering going as me, they issue a dress code that says within reason wear what you want to be comfy. My pleated long dress is calling me....
They have to be wondering about my hair, if I were staying the night I could have done to the evening do En-femme, but neither of my two female colleagues who I normally go with are staying.
I will likely chicken out - it's probably not the professional thing to do, should tell my boss first.
I wrote my previous post on a Friday thinking that I probably wouldn't get up to much on the Saturday and Sunday. I was due to have a quiet drink with my brother on Saturday lunch time, and thought it might just be a few hours of chat, then back home early afternoon.
Anyway, we both got very very drunk, I tried Jägerbomb's for the first time, I have some memory loss. I remember showing him a picture on my Instagram, and then being outside the pub with him being quite nice about it all. I think the picture to the right was it, or at least one with that dress on.
I don't remember getting home, or getting into bed - this was before 7pm , but I do recall my wife coming in to give me a bottle of Lucozade and a pepperoni pizza she had ordered for me - which I ate. I think this saved me from much of the hangover I was really owed !
Due to the memory issue I wasn't 100% sure of where it all got left, so I sent him a text early in the morning, and got a nice supportive one back saying he would always be there for me and such, and we have been fine since. Mainly talking about cars, as we did before - as if nothing had changed. Which I am very pleased about.
I've added him and my dad to a WhatsApp group, titled 'cars' , we are all quite interested in them, I don't want them thinking I am a totally different person now, I still have much the same interests, I would just rather be dressed differently while doing them :)
Not sure my dad is really checking it much, nor did they get the emergency tests, perhaps need to persuade him to get a newer phone.
About - Mum has questions !
Being open to my brother unexpectedly resulted in my mum wanting to talk about things with me more deeply, and in detail - about my plans. Apparently they had discussions that they might need to get their wills updated to be my new name !
She was also enquiring how far I wanted to go - the topic of genitals seemed to be highest priority for them to know about. I do find that quite amusing, as it's generally the last thing anyone actually gets done, if at all, but non-trans people seem fixated on it.
Anyway, I think they think I have a firm plan - I have desires, I have money, I have no firm decisions. I am not likely to change my name any time soon that's for sure.
She was also saying that she has nobody else to talk to about it, so wants to talk to me more often. Which I suppose isn't a bad thing. She wanted to know if I was finding the support groups useful, if they were helping and such - which they certainly are.
Chameleons
It seemed like a more quiet affair compared to the previous meeting, but I think this was partly because the wig people had come to the previous meeting, which tempted more people out - plus the two ladies themselves, so it was a packed room.
I think there were actually 9 of us at this meeting , which was still not exactly small compared to some of the summer ones - as I'm sure you know a high proportion of trans people are also vampires, so the summer months are challenging.
Halloween last year Most vamp look I've managed :)
Well it's either that or it's due to it being harder to sneak out of the house dressed in the light, or too hot to wear wigs, but vampirism is a much more sexy and plausible reason I'm sure you will agree.
Speaking of which it's the first of the two Whitby goth weekends at the moment - I didn't go, it was meant to rain, and my wife was less than pleased with the idea. It's a long drive for just for the afternoon, and I had no hotel booked, so probably for the best.
There was a new person there, a university student, they were very well spoken and seemed quite switched on, knowing all the current terms. Definitely officer grade material for any secret trans-army that may need forming !
Lynn had a fetching top on, with sort of mesh effect arms, looked very nice in it.
Was also great to catch up with Ann, and Danielle was back too, sans cast on her wrist, with good news about a GIC referral. Didn't speak too much to her, but I think she will be at LFF so will do so then.
Trans-portation
I finally got enough confidence to take the Morris Minor down the M1 to Chams. She has been christened 'Josephine' as apparently it's illegal to own one without giving it a female name.
The journey down was pretty steady, with only a bit of light rain to contend with, I have a YouTube channel, and I have created a video of most of said journey for anyone's viewing pleasure (it's sped up in the middle, only 6 mins long) :
I tried to keep to 60mph, for the sake of the engine, and my hearing, it is very loud, there is no sound deadening at all. I arrived really early, partly in case I had issues and had to stop and troubleshoot, and partly because I had been chomping at the bit to set off.
So I spent a bit outside with my tripod getting some pictures of us both - this was also the first time I had been out in her enfemme !
I was very pleased with these, and got some lovely comments on Insta about the car - well and my dress too :)
The return journey was horrible, the rain had got a lot worse it was hammering down, and the M1 had a lot of water on it. By the time I was on the motorway the windows had misted up, and due to my high level of meticulous planning, I had not actually got anything to wipe them with. So I used my hand for a few miles until I got to Tibshelf.
I stopped at the main part of the services with all the shops, and went in to use the loo, and see if any of the shops sold the demister pads. They didn't, so I figured the shop at the fuel part would, and attempted to drive the short distance there. I made a school girl error of trying to start her with the choke fully out - even though she was still warm.
She didn't want to go, and I must have flooded it. I was sat in the dark for a while pondering my life choices, and the possibility of hotel rooms.
Then I thought I would give the 2cv hot start method a go - you keep the accelerator peddle floored, it would splutter into life and then you backed off the throttle before the revs got high. This did result in it firing on at least 2 cylinders, but it soon died.
So I sat for a bit longer, and thought well, maybe it doesn't need the choke - and it fired up after an excessive amount of cranking. I haven't actually driven it much so it's all a learning curve !
We got to the petrol station OK, and I filled her up with some E5 - that was another concern it's got a tiny tank and seems quite thirsty, so I wanted to make sure I didn't run out !
I found some demister pads in there, and got two of those, fired her up again - easily, and headed out in the darkness.
We spent most of the rest of the journey in the slow lane following lorries, everyone was driving slow not just me, it was quite hard to see the lane markings in some places. I think I got home sometime after 1am.
I found some leftover pizza in the fridge and ate that, with a lingering smell of premium petrol on my fingers - it was lovely.
Drying off
The following day I put her in the garage and used 3 bath towels to get as much water off her as possible - it really is like owning a big dog. There was puddle in the boot and on the drivers floor. I've got a dehumidifier on in there now, with all the windows down. If it's sunny again tomorrow I might push her onto the drive as that will probably work better.
Today I have purchased a new car for my wife ! She was owed one really. I can borrow it for long journeys (it's a petrol) , like Pink Punters, so I am also happy.
So in short I just came out to my mum over WhatsApp messenger - we had what seemed a tortuously long chat via messenger - due to waiting for replies, then we then had a nice 40 minute call together.
Key phrase from chat, and the photo I sent her :
"That is me, I am transgender, I currently present as female on a regular basis"
I am a bit emotional at the moment, relived, drained, happy, anxious of how my dad will react.
Joanna has been lovely as well as other friends I've been in touch with during/since.
The longer version:
I had thought that my parents were suspicious of me (seems I was wrong) , I had visited them on Saturday, and not much was said other than that mum liked my new hair.
I have been growing it on top, in the hope I may be able to have a fairly ambiguous swept over style.
Then today she sent me a WhatsApp suggesting that there was something else different about me, she was convinced I had been wearing contact lenses instead of my usual glasses. I had my glasses on, so no idea how she thought that.
Anyway, since she had got the idea that something was different about me, I thought it might be the easiest opportunity I would ever get to do the deed, so I replied :
"My eyebrows were heavily plucked, my nails were long, and my arms were shaved, my hair is being grown long. My boots had side zips because they were female ones."
I sent that, then the photo above, and this wasn't sufficient as it turns out, so in the end "That is me, I am transgender, I currently present as female on a regular basis"
We chatted a bit more, then eventually she asked if she could call me. I was going to chicken out, as I was pretty done by this point, but thought I should be brave and get it over with.
It was a lovely call, she was very supportive, and sorry that I had felt the need to hide for so long. We discussed how it affected the family , my wife and kids, and future plans for transition. How my dad was likely to react. That I should be the one to tell my brother - not today though.
I'm not sure it could have gone any better !!
I had assumed it would not go that well at all, I feel a bit guilty for assuming the worst. I had been distancing myself from them, and being rather withdrawn as a result, and they had noticed.
I suppose could still go bad with my dad, but only time will tell.
Anyway it's another excuse off the list, what will be will be.
I don't think I ever shared the events on here that eventually snowballed into me coming out to my wife - thus allowing Isobel to exist.
I go drinking with an old school friend in Wakefield once or twice a year, just the two of us. We went to secondary school together. We were not the best of friends really initially, we ended up in the same social circle of the less cool people towards the A-Level years. But we ended up quite close over the years. He was my best man, I was his. God parents of at least one of each others kids apiece.
We meet up in Wakefield around lunch time, then do 6 or so places, get picked up around tea time 5/6pm by our partners. It's about the most I have to drink in one session on any occasion these days.
The one we did late last year - September perhaps, I don't think I had much for lunch, and we went a bit mad - had quite a few more than normal. We actually still ended up in the normal final pub at the other end of town around the scheduled time. We sat near the pool table, and were playing a game when an interesting group sat and watched us, and we got talking to them.
Two of the group were a lesbian couple, one too drunk to do much other than lay down at that point, the other more vertical one got talking to me and my friend, she initially thought we were a couple :) . She seemed intent on discussing our sexuality and was really grilling my friend, as she suspected he was not straight for some reason.
Now this is where things started to go wrong, the barriers I had built up over the years were not quite at robust as they had been, and with the beer and her talk, I ended up coming out to her - blubbing all over her in a crowded (not LGBT+) pub. She somehow managed to get the others to distract my friend by playing pool with him.
But he knew something was wrong, he could still remember enough the following day, we had an awkward conversation where I sort of placated him with some unconvincing bullshit.
I was always really worried about my defences failing when drunk, I'm surprised I managed as well as I did - but to do it to stranger in a pub was not expected. Anyway this led me to realise that I really needed to get this out, and after a few weeks I got up the courage to tell my wife.
Isobel MK1 - pouty tart from the start
Isobel made her first appearance to the universe outside the bedroom shortly afterwards.
Yesterday was our next scheduled drinking session, we had one early this year too - I wanted to tell my friend on that one, but I chickened out.
I was still in man mode of course, I was conscious of looking a bit too ambiguous around him - in case anyone in the pubs mistook us as a couple. So I put in my 'invisible' disposable plastic studs to hide those. But my arms were shaved, I was wearing my blue female boots.
We had a few in a nice real ale pub, then the walk to the next was going to take us past the bar I go to the trans social meetup on Thursdays, so I suggested we might pop in - I figured coming out to him in an LGBT+ bar would be safer - not that he would be violent, but I would perhaps have some support if it went bad. But it seemed pretty dead, and I chickened out.
It took a fair few more beverages, and we were at our 2nd to last bar before I finally did the deed. I had loads of opportunities to do it before then, just couldn't get over the line.
I showed him a selection of my Instagram pictures, under the guise of showing him pics of one of my 'friends' who I go out with. I asked him if he recognised her (me) and he didn't twig, so I had to tell him that they were pics of me. There were lots of questions, but he was really nice, and supportive, and was at pains to tell me it didn't change anything.
I made sure to tell him I didn't find him attractive, I didn't want any doubts to niggle at him - he hadn't asked, but thought best get all the important bits covered.
It was really good to get it all out, and I apologised profusely for not having done so earlier.
It seems I had further aroused his suspicion when we went to dinner at his place a few months ago with both my ears pierced. Seems he had also noticed my shaved arms yesterday but said nothing.
We went to the next pub, and had a swift drink in there as my wife was on her way, she had got fed up of waiting for me to text her. We departed on good terms, once again he said he was there for me and the family. I gave him a fist bump on the way out.
He sent me a lovely txt message re-iterating his support later that night, and I thanked him and hoped he had enjoyed the day still. He replied saying he had, and that he was here if I ever wanted to talk.
His two messages ended with an 'x' which was nice - he wouldn't normally, maybe he does that to female friends, and he see's me somewhat in that category now , maybe he was just drunk, I don't know :)
I had a KFC , then some further leftover pizza when we got home, I had a soft drink break half way around our crawl too, so I don't feel too bad at the time of writing, and no memory loss either :), although I didn't sleep too well - the beer I think.
I didn't reply to his last, I had said thanks enough, I will just leave it there.
