It's good to talk

Obligatory selfie 

Apologies for the crappy 90's advert joke.

I had a good natter with Joanna last night, well it was good for me - perhaps it was good to distract her too - I hope so. Covered my recent concerns, it was nice to get it off my chest - again, talked about a lot of things, past , present, future. 

Coming out to my parents was briefly covered, it's something I'm not looking forward to have to do - if it becomes appropriate for me to do so at all. The crushing of their image of me as a success to be proud of. I don't think they would take it well. 

There were not many people there, so we seemed to almost couple up with the person of nearest age, hardly spoke with anyone else actually. It still surprises me how different it is each time I go.

My wig was slipping again, I'm not sure if it's because my natural hair need cutting, or maybe I have the tension set too high in the adjustable straps at the back, it wasn't too bad, but the hair should be reaching my glasses if it's on the way it should be.

I wore a recent purchase, I was a bit overdressed to be honest, but I'm not sure what occasion that dress would be suited for, and people don't seem to judge. It was a bit too low cut for my current cleavage arrangement, the modesty top I bought from Amazon arrived today,  I will see if that helps.

I had gone to town with the eyeshadow, I had purple, copper and yellow , a bit of a mad combination, but I had fun putting it on. Still need to work on the 'wings'.

I'm really tired today, I didn't get back too late as took the petroleum powered vehicle.  At least all the speed cameras ensure an economical speed.

I'm certainly more happy than at the start of the week, I got dressed for Instagram, and to practise on Wednesday night. That seemed to calm me down - I had internally agreed that I would leave it until Thursday, but my wife was tired and not in the mood to spend any time with me, so I thought sod it.

Leeds social next Friday - really need to get some shoes sorted, a job for the weekend.

Conflicted

 I'm not having a great day so far.  Can't get the topic of transition out of my head. Thought I would write them down at least.

I keep saying there is no rush, and that I won't be making any decision this year, my plan was to have a fun year, enjoy the freedom I have, make new friends, try and find my way.

Kicking it back for a year might just be fear of confronting the question. But I've thought and dreamt about the possibility so many times - gone for long walks thinking of nothing else. Not just recently, over many years. It's not just a recent question.

I've always come to the conclusion that it was a fantasy, one that was so far beyond reach it was idiotic to even contemplate it.  But I thought the same with getting good enough to go out, and now look at me, I'm going to the pub !  I need shoes of Leeds First Friday, I was even thinking of going to Deichmans enfemme. 

Possibly it's just pink fog, or mist, or tornadoes, I've come a long way, it's exciting, why not go to the next level. I need to chill out, take some time. Writing this is helping.

I suppose there is no deadline, the older I get the worse I'm going to look, the less time I would have as my 'true self' if that is what I wanted to be. Less time to practise a decent voice - less incentive to do so.

I think it's partly because I had a bad nights sleep - Instagram may be partly to blame, I've become addicted, I've un-installed it off my phone, that will at least limit my usage to being on my PC.

I was also contemplating that Izzy is having all the fun at the moment, everything is fantastic, new friends, the possibility of a social life, people finding me attractive, complementing me and some mad fools wanting me as a sex object (insta), the clothes, the shoes, the patterned tights :)

But my male self has all the bad stuff to deal with, a stressful job I don't really like, mowing the lawn, dieting, exercise. It's only natural I would want to spend more time as Izzy, as she is the fun part of my life at the moment - is that swaying my desire to contemplate full time, or even contemplate transition. 

I think I need to give my male self more fun time - not as a tool to put the brakes on, just to give some balance and proper perspective.

Would life overall be more fun as Izzy, I wouldn't know for sure without trying, but I suspect the day to day wouldn't be any better - would take me much longer to get ready on a morning.

Obviously the prime fear is that by spending more time as Izzy then I would strain my marriage beyond breaking point, and I really do love my wife, and I don't want to break her heart.

Maybe she will get to like Izzy more, it's not beyond the realms of possibility I suppose.

Maybe it won't need to happen, if i reach an equilibrium over the coming year, I might be totally happy living a dual existence for the rest of my years. The girls I met at the pub seem to be happy, they were all stock MK 1 males underneath still, a fair few years older, and still enjoying life to the max.

Invasion !!

I went to the Nottingham Invasion 'pub crawl' last night. Invasion FB group

On the way back to the car after leaving

I wasn't feeling great yesterday, I had taken the day off , partly because I thought I really needed a long weekend due to the stress at work recently, but also because I was contemplating going to the pub crawl, and it would give me more time to get ready.

I was in two minds to go, my wife got back late from her work, and hadn't actually asked if it was OK to go - I had been out the night before so didn't want to appear to be extracting the urine. 

I should probably have not bothered, but with the women who I met at Belper the previous night definitely going, I thought it was better to go knowing there would be at least a few friendly faces there.

She was OK with me going in the end, I may attempt to gain some brownie points by going out for a meal later. I'm stressing her out with this, so I'll try and stay in man mode at least until Chams on Thursday. She's worried I will want to go full-time at the moment.

The actual event was a bit of a let down compared to what I was expecting, but I ended up chatting more with the two women I had met the previous night, and they introduced me to a few of their friends, so primary goal of meeting more people was met. 

One was into her cars, so could talk a bit about that. They were all keen to offer advice, they were being motherly towards me, it was good. I'm not exactly young in an age sense, but a newbie in terms of the dressing, the social scene etc. Got some hugs at the end of the night, and they were keen to make sure I knew I was welcome to join them at any events.

I was told that Leeds First Friday is perhaps a better one to attend - it's a lot nearer for me too. That has 100+ attendance even in Covid apparently. I've mentioned it to the Mrs , just as a heads up, and gone through my thoughts on how many things I want to attend. Basically just explaining that I want a social life. The support groups fulfil part of that, but they are not the same as getting out and about. I've said it would be nice for us to go out as a couple, (even in man mode) but she seems to think the kids are too young - i'm not convinced at all, they are old enough to manage a few hours on their own now - both will be at big school in September.

I used to go out a few times a month with friends to the pub, but that seemed to fizzle out five or six years ago due to changes in circumstances with them. I also didn't realise how much I was relying on people at work to fulfil that aspect of my life - until Covid hit and we all switched to WFH contracts.

I'm pretty bad at organising anything, and also I suffer from social anxiety to a degree. So I really prefer events where I can just turn up. Much less stressful to not be 100% expected or required. If something is optional and there is no pressure I'm much more likely to go than if I have to commit, then worry about being in the mood that day.

I didn't get home until after 1am, but still ended up waking up at the normal time, and couldn't get back to sleep. Caffeine is required. All this driving to Nottingham with the current fuel price hike is going to be very expensive, I will need to do more Leaf journeys and suffer the charging inconvenience. 

I should service the wife's car too, a job for today perhaps.

 

The bright lights of Belper

 I had been looking for other avenues to meet more people, and had come across the 'Nottingham Invasion' social group, which is a pub crawl around Nottingham, starting off and ending at a LGBT pub 'The New Forester Arms'.

That event is actually tonight, and I'm not sure if my good lady wife is going to be terribly pleased if I go out more than once this week though.

While I was looking at that on Facebook, I noticed that a trans support group had advertised a meeting for last night - Thursday, in Belper. NETS Facebook

I figured there was a good chance I would chicken out of the Invasion, as a city centre pub crawl would be a bit daunting, but thought if I at least go to this Belper meeting then I would have been out this week. 

Going out once a week is a goal I hope to achieve this year - well where possible. 

It was a really good meeting, there were only five of us there, including the leader, it seemed more like the stereotypical group you would see on the TV with a circle of chairs. There was another new person there too, she had been out for a long time, so I was the only real newbie, just starting out on my journey I suppose.

They were all really lovely, and offered lots of advice and shared their stories. I wasn't able to really hide in the group as there were so few, so I did get to give a brain dump of where I was, and what my plans were etc. 

Two of the ladies were attending the Invasion tonight, and inquired if I would be going, I do want to go, if it were around the corner, but I need to be sure I'm not upsetting my wife, I don't want her to get the idea that I'm going to be out every night of the week, and this is an all consuming lifestyle change. She seemed annoyed I wanted to go out last night, as if going out once a week is a bit too much.

Anyway I was bouncing with happiness on the way home.  M1 was down to one lane again, I wonder if it will ever be fully open again.

I think my wig had been at a jaunty angle for most of the meeting, I need to remember to check my hair more often, school girl error. Speaking of which, one lady gave me the name of a site for cheap ones:

https://www.foreveryoung.co.uk/fashion-wigs

I shall be perusing this later for sure !

The only downside to this group is a 7pm start, and I don't finish work until 5:30 , and it takes a minimum of 30 mins to get ready, and it's 1 hour 15 minute drive, which doesn't work out. My work doesn't clock watch, so I can leave early if I make the time up, but most weeks I have a call at 5pm, so can't.  It's only on once a month, and I don't believe it clashes with Chameleons  - I'm not looking to replace that, merely augment and expand.

I did say that I would likely be back, and I intend to try. 

Oh also, I've become an Instagram addict, chasing followers, this is not healthy ..... 

I didn't go like this, but my selfie from the night looks terrible, so have this instead :)

Stressy week

 Work has not been fun, I don't like surprises, so being given something new and complicated and urgent which I've not been trained for, led to a non optimal week.

Chams was a nice break at least, forced me to finish on time, I can barely get ready, eat and make it on time.

I took Jaffa cakes, they went down well. It seemed a bit more subdued than normal, even with my friends troubles, but it's a very varied experience, different people there each time.

Wife's car had a headlight out, so ended up taking the leaf, leading to some late night loitering in a car park waiting for it to charge. But I wasn't troubled by anyone.

Was dressed as a goth, so camouflaged against the darkness at least.

Managed to get work finished Saturday morning, and then did some bedroom tidying so had a nice backdrop for some Instagram pics of my latest dress purchases. Got dolled up and took loads of pictures, of which only about 16 were any good.

Wife really hated this look :

Had buyers remorse with new wig, photos on the site seemed to make it look a lot more natural, with dark roots.

Let's hope next week is more relaxed.

Muddy Boots

 Well the day finally came when the planets aligned, and we were all free and the weather wasn't too bad. So seemed like a good day to try going at as a family - I have only been out by myself until today.

My wife was very concerned that our boys would not be keen to be seen out with me, although I think that was perhaps her projecting own feelings on the matter to them. She had a bit of a cry about it when I was checking if she really was OK to go out - but she agreed without any real persuasion.

Initially we were looking at Renishaw Hall & Gardens, as we've never been there before, it looks nice, and it's suitably far away that we were unlikely to bump into anyone we knew.

My wife was concerned it would upset me if she had to pretend I was just a friend if we did see someone, but I honestly didn't mind, if that is what she needs to do, I would be fine with it.

Unfortunately it's not open until late march, so we went to Temple Newsam near Leeds instead - big set of grounds, big old house, and a farm you can wonder around and look at animals.

https://museumsandgalleries.leeds.gov.uk/temple-newsam/visit/

We had been a few times before, so known territory. We didn't see anyone we knew.

It was fairly windy, I was a bit concerned that my wig was being blown everywhere, not so much that it would move or come off, more that my actual hair underneath would become visible.

Not particularly fetching photo, more to show the wind, my eldest took it, he managed to cut my feet off. 

We went into the cafe, and had a drink and some food inside, I had a look around the gift shop to see if there were any beanie hats which may help with the hair issue, but nothing, so had to put up with eating hair for the rest of the day.

We wondered around the farm for a while, then grabbed an ice cream - it was pretty cold, so obviously the boys wanted one......

Nobody gave me any funny looks, or said anything, it was all very positive and a confidence boost. 

I asked my wife for her thoughts on the way back in the car, and she said it didn't feel weird being out with me like this. I asked if it was better or worse than she expected, but she said she didn't know what to expect.

When we got home I asked if everyone would be happy to go out again sometime, and everyone seemed happy :)

I think I actually look happy in this one ! Fluke probably

Oh and I also finally wore my new black boots, and christened them with some cow muck:

I really am going to have to buy some more warm dresses, I'm getting my moneys worth out of my grey one.

Oh and my verdict on peelable nail varnish - it's good, but it doesn't last that long. It's really easy to peel off, but also easy to damage. It seems to go on easier than normal stuff though, and if you go over onto your skin you can scrape it off really easily.

It won't survive a bath though.