Conflicted

 I'm not having a great day so far.  Can't get the topic of transition out of my head. Thought I would write them down at least.

I keep saying there is no rush, and that I won't be making any decision this year, my plan was to have a fun year, enjoy the freedom I have, make new friends, try and find my way.

Kicking it back for a year might just be fear of confronting the question. But I've thought and dreamt about the possibility so many times - gone for long walks thinking of nothing else. Not just recently, over many years. It's not just a recent question.

I've always come to the conclusion that it was a fantasy, one that was so far beyond reach it was idiotic to even contemplate it.  But I thought the same with getting good enough to go out, and now look at me, I'm going to the pub !  I need shoes of Leeds First Friday, I was even thinking of going to Deichmans enfemme. 

Possibly it's just pink fog, or mist, or tornadoes, I've come a long way, it's exciting, why not go to the next level. I need to chill out, take some time. Writing this is helping.

I suppose there is no deadline, the older I get the worse I'm going to look, the less time I would have as my 'true self' if that is what I wanted to be. Less time to practise a decent voice - less incentive to do so.

I think it's partly because I had a bad nights sleep - Instagram may be partly to blame, I've become addicted, I've un-installed it off my phone, that will at least limit my usage to being on my PC.

I was also contemplating that Izzy is having all the fun at the moment, everything is fantastic, new friends, the possibility of a social life, people finding me attractive, complementing me and some mad fools wanting me as a sex object (insta), the clothes, the shoes, the patterned tights :)

But my male self has all the bad stuff to deal with, a stressful job I don't really like, mowing the lawn, dieting, exercise. It's only natural I would want to spend more time as Izzy, as she is the fun part of my life at the moment - is that swaying my desire to contemplate full time, or even contemplate transition. 

I think I need to give my male self more fun time - not as a tool to put the brakes on, just to give some balance and proper perspective.

Would life overall be more fun as Izzy, I wouldn't know for sure without trying, but I suspect the day to day wouldn't be any better - would take me much longer to get ready on a morning.

Obviously the prime fear is that by spending more time as Izzy then I would strain my marriage beyond breaking point, and I really do love my wife, and I don't want to break her heart.

Maybe she will get to like Izzy more, it's not beyond the realms of possibility I suppose.

Maybe it won't need to happen, if i reach an equilibrium over the coming year, I might be totally happy living a dual existence for the rest of my years. The girls I met at the pub seem to be happy, they were all stock MK 1 males underneath still, a fair few years older, and still enjoying life to the max.