Tingly feelings

It's not been a bad week, work has been fairly relaxed, no major problems. 

Thursday: Chameleons

As per the previous time I attended I was really looking forward to going. Some new boots had been delivered that day - chunky low ones, over the knee but not by lots.  I was struggling to find a dress that was suitably short so as to enable the top to be seen, but not covered. One of my cheap
Everything5Pounds one came to the rescue.

I got down a bit early and met up with Ann and someone who had been to a previous one in January. Another newbie turned up shortly afterwards, and we all had a nice chat about transition status/plan - or not plan.  The first lady had a lovely voice - had professional coaching, and I managed to get the details from her over Instagram the day after. It was really very convincing. She also mentioned another hormone provider I had not known about, so I've added this to the list of potential options I am gathering.

There was general chatting for a while, and we did observe a minutes silence outside for Brianna Ghey. We had written notes which were burnt as a bit of ritual to enable our private thoughts to be expressed. It was nice that we did that as a group.

We did some more chatting and it was getting towards 11pm before I left, I got home around 00:30am. Was very tired the next day. 

Friday: Catch up with a friend

I was really tired, and my digestive system wasn't being too great for some reason. I didn't get a lot done at work, but not many people needed anything, so it was an OK day.  I had arranged to meet up with an old friend after work, and figured I would probably feel better after a drink, so headed out after I had 'clocked off'. 

Met at his and we walked up to his local working men's club.  I am not that keen about going out in man mode any more, especially somewhere very manly, but it's got a pool table and the beer is cheap. I had taken my earrings out, so as not to appear to be too weird. Probably not necessary, but I didn't want to stand out. I feel the hair does, but not much I can do about that.

Not really been out with him too much since coming out to him, and had not talked to his wife at all since then either, so was a little nervous.

Beat him at pool, two games out of three, I had a Johns Smiths then a Coke as was driving, and we wandered back to his, as he had offered dinner too. 

It was really nice was just him and his wife, the kids had eaten, we had a lovely chat as if nothing had changed. It was getting quite late before I departed. It was just nice that it obviously hadn't changed anything between us, and that his wife was also very friendly too. 

It was a very pleasant evening , two in a row, and was feeling very happy when I got home - and still am :)

Saturday: Playing with makeup and outfit try-ons

My wife is busy with her hobbies this weekend, leaving me at home with the kids, so I took advantage of the extra free time to have a bit of a play with items bought but never used / worm.

Gold lipstick for instance, had this ages, but never used it, doesn't seem to come out well in photos, but the shimmer up close was nice.

I also did some glossy blusher, but the shade I used isn't really popping, I might try a darker one next time.

After tea I decided to get rid of the gold lipstick and give some 'Pout Bomb' lip gloss a go, this had been purchased at Chameleons before xmas I think.  As I type this my lips are tingling, they perhaps look a little bit more pouty, I don't look like I've had lip fillers or anything drastic though. They are nice and glossy at least, it's a sort of hot pink colour I think. The tingling is somewhat strange, but not majorly off-putting. 

I also took a load of photo's for Instagram of course, I think I did 6 outfits. It's nice to mess around and see what works well together without the time pressure of having to finish to go somewhere. It does relax me, and I have fun doing it.

I should really practise my makeup more, I get in a rut with things and stop learning, it's not really advance a great deal recently.

Tommorow, I hope to get out for a run, I need to keep up with regular excercise !

Observation of emotion

Thursday Trans-Wakefield

Due to family visiting, working late and my usual TV watch-along on Skype with friends I didn't get chance to dress until Thursday evening - 12 days.

It's been a while since I had such a gap. It was very nice to be able to do so.

It was a nice meeting, I spoke to a nice trans guy who I had seen briefly at a previous one, and also caught up with Nicole.

She had been to a play in Leeds that sounded good - trans themed, something about and angry inch - botched gender surgery was involved. I need to look it up.

It was just nice to be out after so long, I treated myself to some cheesy chips :)

Friday - Brianna Nottingham vigil / Pre-Invasion

I was always intending to do Invasion, but I was checking the group Facebook page around 4pm and
saw there was a vigil for Brianna  at 7pm and some would be going to that before hand , so I rushed to get ready early to make it down for that.

My outfit and wig choice was not ideal for 'blending' , but I have become less bothered by this in recent times.

Knee high boots and the platinum blonde wig do make one stand out a bit. I was in such a rush i forgot to apply mascara !

I managed to get down and parked at the shopping centre in Nottingham for 6:50pm , got the car charging and made swift progress to the Brian Clough statue with the assistance of google maps.

On passing a club with three bouncers out the front, one of them started chanting in a low , but audible voice "it's a man, it's a man"

Which I sort of found amusing at the time, but I was on a mission to get there on time, and had no pre-scripted witty retort at hand, so kept on motoring. I mention purely for record keeping purposes than being majorly offended - outfit choice, walking pace, probably couldn't have been more obvious without carrying my flag - which I didn't bring.

There was quite a large crowd there, I circled the periphery looking for anyone I recognised, but failed so found a spot to stand. The people leading were speaking for bits, but I really couldn't hear a word they were saying. 

Did eventually see two Invasion people who I briefly spoke to before they headed to the pub.  I stayed a bit longer, and we did a minutes silence.

I left shortly afterwards, didn't end up walking past the bouncers in the end, probably wouldn't have said anything to them if I did.

Decided to go get a Mc Plant , as had also skipped food to get there early.  Chap in the next booth asked me to look after his stuff while he nipped to the loo, he was nice and called me 'love' 

Then figured would see if anywhere was still open in the shopping centre to find mascara - tried the Tesco express, couldn't find any so found a female employee to ask - they didn't sell any makeup though, she was trying to think of any other shops that would, but didn't think there would be.

She was really nice and said my eyes looked great and I didn't need any :) which was lovely.

Invasion

There were quite a few of my regular friends not attending that evening, which is bad in some ways, but good in others. It forces me to try and make new ones :) 

Was very successful I think, there were a few periods where I was on my own chatting on my phone, but also plenty of interactions too. 

On arriving I joined Danni who I had seen at the vigil and had talked to briefly to at the previous one, and then again at the last LFF.

She is really nice, full of energy - looks and acts a lot younger than she professes to be. She read out a poem she had written about Brianna too. 

Sounds like she lost her phone last night from messages on the group chat though.

Got talking with a lady who I had met before, turns out she organises group meetups in Blackpool, so I gave her my number as I would love to do Blackpool, she said she would send details of the next planned trip.

Had a nice compliment about my hair from a young cis girl in the loos - was tempted to tell her where I got it from :)

I was mainly on Old Mout alcohol free cider, but I did also have a 'weak' free shot of something red. My mouth tastes like I've been on a session, and I don't feel too fresh today, I think probably due to the late night rather than anything else.

Towards the end of the night I got chatting to with a girl who was also driving and parked in the same place as me. 

She has a young child so doesn't get out as much anymore, but used to be very active on the social scene and turns out she had been influential in getting one of the other I knew out for the first time.

We both left at midnight to go back to the carpark together and swapped numbers, she seemed really nice.

I left a bit after midnight and because the car was fully charged I treated myself to a 70Mph journey and having the heating on, such decadence.

Saturday - Leeds vigil

I decided that it would still be good to get to Leeds, and with it being the last weekend of half term it would also be good to get the family out of the house for a bit too. So I enquired if they would like a lift into Leeds to go around the armouries, while I was at the vigil.

Although I wouldn't be with them for a lot of the time, I guess it still counts as being out with me, in which case this is only the third occurrence, so still pretty rare.

As it was going to be in broad daylight, and on a busy shopping day, I went with the brown wig this

time - I also remembered to do my mascara.

Traffic and a queue to get into the Trinity car park caused me to be marching at pace to get to the venue yet again - it was a 3pm start.  But I don't think I hadn't missed anything. 

It was in the park in 'Park Square', (we are very inventive with names around here). There were a lot of people there, a little gazebo with a PA system 

and sound guy. There were people floating about with very big camera's, not sure if they were TV people, or just pro video for social media etc.

It started with a bit of an intro going over her life, as short as it was, and history. Then a minutes silence with some singing - apparently they had circulated lyrics so people could join in, but I didn't see any. 

Then there was a long line of people wanting to speak. Some teens of a similar age sharing their experiences, an MP, a ex CEO of Gender GP, someone who I had seen in the pub at Wakefield but had never spoken to. The angels of freedom were patrolling too which was nice - they volunteer to look after people late at night in the freedom quarter. 

I'm a little deaf and some people were not that great at speaking into the microphone so I was straining to hear some - but there was a Scottish poet who came on, who took full advantage of the additional amplification (they would have been heard without it) to have their very heartfelt poem echoing off the buildings around the square, a memory that will stick with me for sure - really need to find who they were.

There were some strong emotions, "F*ck Terf's" was said by many people, and was also one of the song lyrics.

But there were positive messages, saying it was OK to be angry, but perhaps to try and use it for positive actions. 

I was there an hour, I hadn't worn my big black coat as it seemed a bit like funeral wear, and we had been asked to wear bright clothes - my leather jacket wasn't bright, but it did allow more of my pink polka dots to be seen, the organisers had requested pink and colourful to match her personality.

It had been spitting on and off, so I was getting quite cold, and the armouries shuts at 5pm, so I headed off just after 4pm. I think they said it was going on YouTube so I might see if I can catch the speakers I missed on there.

I met back up with the family and we drove home via KFC. 

It was good to go, as one of the speakers had said, it's a shame we have to all meet under such sad circumstances. I guess will have sparkle to look forward to for a more positive similar occasion. I wonder if she got the chance to go to any.

I am still dressed at the moment as I type which is nice, so often I am in man mode recounting Izzy activities rather than as me.

I've never been to a vigil before, it's a shame I ever have had to really. It was good to feel part of something, and to be with similar people and supporters though. 

I felt sad, and angry but clearly not as much as others there. I guess we all respond differently.

Cold Turkey

Tuesday - Laser

It was my 4th session, I shaved just before bed time on the Monday. 

My appointment went as normal, however I was told that she would be ramping up the power again this time.

It really did hurt a fair bit - she commented that she thought I was holding my breath through a lot of it.

My face stung a fair bit afterwards and was quite blotchy. I did apply lots of Aloe Vera gel.

Wednesday - CentreParcs Sherwood

This was a work event, we have a whole company gathering twice a year, plus regional xmas parties.

My face had seemingly recovered overnight and wasn't too bad, I had been worried it would be really obvious.

I made sure to put sun cream on as well as the Aloe Vera, you need to treat it like you have got sunburn.

My face did seem quite shiny due to all the creams, but nothing was said by anyone.

I was being fairly brave with my look, I had my black stud earrings in, and also the blue suede side zip female boots.

Along with the much longer hair I was about as obvious as I had ever been to a work do.

It was pretty good, we have some inspirational speakers, and a group team building exercise during the day.

Lunch was a buffet with plenty of healthy options.  The evening meal was similar help yourself, with lots of how vats of lovely food. This was followed by a quiz and then a disco. There was a free bar of course, I witnessed it roll over 5K on my last drink, I suspect it was a lot higher in the end.

Had a nice chat with the two female co-workers I had previously come out to, and was also sharing a chalet with. I even dragged one up on the dance floor for a few songs ! - dancing in man mode is a very rare event since I left Uni many decades ago.

I only had one comment about the hair and the earrings - from a chap who always notes any differences, nobody else seemed to care.

Was sensible with the drink, and we didn't get to bed too late. We had a cooked breakfast and I drove home for about 10:30am

I was fairy zombified for the rest of the day, I didn't sleep too well.

Friday - Family weekend 

My in-laws and my wife's brother and sister were up here to celebrate my father in laws birthday. It's fair to say I am not that keen on prolonged family events, so the last 4 days haven't been massive fun for me. We did have a nice meal out on Sunday night, but it went on a bit late. 

I was also full of cold that seemed to come on quickly on Friday, but fortunately seems to be improving just as quick.

I got the house back at 6:30pm today :) - they are nice people, not so sure they would be nice if they knew though.

So I haven't dressed since Saturday the 4th, I was tempted to tonight, but tomorrow is a better idea now.

Thursday is my Wakefield group, and Friday is a potential adventure day, with Nottingham Invasion in the evening !

Level 9A

Thursday

I should have gone to Wakefield in the evening, but the prospect of getting ready just for a few hours out of the house, when I was going to spend the whole of the next day En-femme around Leeds just didn't motivate me. 

I thought it would be better to get packed and sort my outfits out, so I did some try-ons and got my stuff sorted. I was quite pleased with how feminine  my longer hair seemed to make me - even without the makeup. I had also shaved in case I did suddenly find motivation so I guess that also helped.

Friday - Leeds

Daytime

I spent a while doing my eyeliner wings, as is my way - so was ready half an hour later than I had hoped to be. I managed to get in the car, with only about 5 mins of OCD door checking, then repeating the checks, then checking the hob, such fun.

My friends Ann and Alice had travelled up on Thursday, and had spent the evening trying out a number of real ale places, so were both a little worse for wear in the morning anyway. 

As I hadn't received any messages suggesting they were awake yet, I decided to drive up to the top floor of the multi-storey and get some pics with the clock and city skyline as a backdrop. 

There was a bloke up there in a Hi-Viz, he must have wondered why I had driven up 9 levels when there were spaces a lot further down, but he soon left and I had the level to myself. 

Sent Ann a message to check she was up, then after a mini photo session I drove down a level and unloaded my bags and headed to the Travelodge - Ann had kindly suggested I could leave my bags in her room until I could check in at 3pm.

We headed out in search of food shortly after, aiming for Flamingo's the LGBT Café in the Central Arcade. By utter coincidence we found Alice in there, looking fantastic in a black dress, she was feeling slightly hungover and had a black coffee on the go.

We ordered some food, I had Fig compote, goats cheese and honey on sourdough toast with a side salad. It was lovely, the food always is in there.

Afterwards we all headed to the wig shop in the County Arcade, Alice was in the mood to buy a new one for work, and Ann had dropped one off for a spruce the day before.

We parted ways with Alice to let her choose in peace and headed off in search of brown boots - I didn't find anything.

A first timer Jessica was arriving in the afternoon, we were in doh'hut having a coffee and donut when she messaged to say she was in Leeds, so stayed in there to meet her. 

She had been talking to Ann before on Insta, but I didn't really know her - she was lovely and got on swimmingly. 

We decided to head to Foleys for the first beer of the day, but we spied Alice heading to the bankers cat - it's almost like we have a tracker on her !

So we went in there for one, and had a nice chat - I had a milk stout, can't remember the name. I had watched a webinar (mentioned later) on hormones, and took the opportunity to chat with Jessica about them - she had been on them a year I think. 

Alice was heading back to her hotel after this drink, so we decided to take Jessica to Foleys for another.

I was trying to take it slow, so I had a zero percent Guinness in there. It was food time by this point and sourdough pizza had been requested by Jessica, so we went to Franco Manca near M&S.

I had  "Organic tomato, cured chorizo [Natural & Iberico] & mozzarella" - it was very nice, but I couldn't finish it.

After this we headed for the hotel to change for the evening 

Night time

I did a rush job of sprucing my makeup up, I put a load of blue eyeshadow on, it wasn't my best effort, but I was past the time we had agreed to meet at already so just made it look even and made my way down to reception.

Couldn't get hold of them so nearly headed off in search, but they turned up shortly before I got out of sight of the reception.

We went in the Viaduct for a few, but I couldn't find the people I was hoping to meet, did a couple of photo's while it was quiet then we headed over the road to Fibre.

It was too early and very dead in there, so ended up back in Viaduct. By this point the people I was looking out for had arrived, and I spend a while talking to them. 

Danielle also appeared, one of the other girls I usually hang out with, so she joined our merry band for the rest of the evening.

We went back to Fibre and there were lots of other girls in there by this point so it was much nicer.
Then we decided to go to Barcoda, but there was a private function starting soon, so ended up in the Bridge. There was Karaoke but it wasn't too loud and we got seats, so it was nice. 

Next was 'the end' which was a lot bigger inside than I thought, and really nicely done out - not cheap though.

After this we did Smokestack, but It was getting towards 2am and people were starting to flag, Ann and Jessica went back to the hotel, I had one more with Danielle and then headed off too.

It was a good night, nice to have a slightly bigger group of us, Jessica and Hannah should be up next month, but the others may not be.

Saturday

I was fairly groggy and not in the mood to hang about, so I was up showered and dressed by 8:30 , got my things in the car and came back to checkout, validate my parking (you get 50% off) and say goodbye to Ann before I left. 

I was back in the village for 10ish - I popped into my local co-op for eggs and bread on the way, it's only a 10 minute walk from my house if that. This does put me on edge a bit, I've done it once before, but it still seems much more scary than doing it away from the village. 

There were no issues of course, spoke to one of the staff who was grumbling out loud about her squeaky cart wheel, asked her where the eggs were, she was lovely.

I didn't do much for the rest of the day, a little tiding.

Today 

I was de-Izzying the downstairs as my parents in law are up next weekend, so we can't have size 8 heels and tons of makeup kicking around. My wife is a 3, and doesn't wear makeup :)

Filled two boxes with shoes, moved my dresses to the top floor. Still got some other clothes to box up, and my wigs to put somewhere safe, but that won't take long.

I've trimmed 5mm off my nails to make them less obvious, I can type so much better, maybe I should invest in false ones.

I watched Casa Susanna as well - see next section.

I have laser on Tuesday, then a work do at Centreparcs all day Wednesday, staying over there too. Potentially I am Chams on Thursday, but would have to be unshaven, not too sure yet.

Then it's family things all weekend, which I am dreading, but will probably not be too bad,

Things watched this week :

A friend (thankyou Jess) who thought I may be interested had shared a link to a recorded webinar that had been circulated on a Bristol group about hormone treatment.

I think it was Wednesday I watched it :

https://bristol-crossroads.us12.list-manage.com/track/click?u=01cdc83f54b9524871842bcfa&id=e5470da599&e=e8b356260e

It was very interesting and informative, and much more useful than any of the small amount of knowledge I had already gained.

I have spoken to a few people previously about what they were doing, but there were lots of things I was missing. 

It answered a fair few questions. 

Also I finally watched Casa Susanna on iPlayer over the weekend, it had been recommended by a number of different people on Insta, and on the Chams forum

Well I had to pause it a few times, as there were some very emotional parts.

Such a shame that so many had to go through such bad times, I can't imagine how it must have been for it to be illegal. I suppose the hiding for fear of being outed still makes some of us feel like it is. 

There were sections where I drew parallels with how I am feeling, especially on the talk of time pressures, and feeling the need to do things.

Also thinking that you can handle the desire to dress, that it would go away, just try to be 'normal' etc.

From a nerdy perspective - I had no idea that trans-women had been involved in creating Smalltalk at Xerox, that was good to find out. 

There is a probably a list of notable people that I am not aware of.