Observation of emotion

Thursday Trans-Wakefield

Due to family visiting, working late and my usual TV watch-along on Skype with friends I didn't get chance to dress until Thursday evening - 12 days.

It's been a while since I had such a gap. It was very nice to be able to do so.

It was a nice meeting, I spoke to a nice trans guy who I had seen briefly at a previous one, and also caught up with Nicole.

She had been to a play in Leeds that sounded good - trans themed, something about and angry inch - botched gender surgery was involved. I need to look it up.

It was just nice to be out after so long, I treated myself to some cheesy chips :)

Friday - Brianna Nottingham vigil / Pre-Invasion

I was always intending to do Invasion, but I was checking the group Facebook page around 4pm and
saw there was a vigil for Brianna  at 7pm and some would be going to that before hand , so I rushed to get ready early to make it down for that.

My outfit and wig choice was not ideal for 'blending' , but I have become less bothered by this in recent times.

Knee high boots and the platinum blonde wig do make one stand out a bit. I was in such a rush i forgot to apply mascara !

I managed to get down and parked at the shopping centre in Nottingham for 6:50pm , got the car charging and made swift progress to the Brian Clough statue with the assistance of google maps.

On passing a club with three bouncers out the front, one of them started chanting in a low , but audible voice "it's a man, it's a man"

Which I sort of found amusing at the time, but I was on a mission to get there on time, and had no pre-scripted witty retort at hand, so kept on motoring. I mention purely for record keeping purposes than being majorly offended - outfit choice, walking pace, probably couldn't have been more obvious without carrying my flag - which I didn't bring.

There was quite a large crowd there, I circled the periphery looking for anyone I recognised, but failed so found a spot to stand. The people leading were speaking for bits, but I really couldn't hear a word they were saying. 

Did eventually see two Invasion people who I briefly spoke to before they headed to the pub.  I stayed a bit longer, and we did a minutes silence.

I left shortly afterwards, didn't end up walking past the bouncers in the end, probably wouldn't have said anything to them if I did.

Decided to go get a Mc Plant , as had also skipped food to get there early.  Chap in the next booth asked me to look after his stuff while he nipped to the loo, he was nice and called me 'love' 

Then figured would see if anywhere was still open in the shopping centre to find mascara - tried the Tesco express, couldn't find any so found a female employee to ask - they didn't sell any makeup though, she was trying to think of any other shops that would, but didn't think there would be.

She was really nice and said my eyes looked great and I didn't need any :) which was lovely.

Invasion

There were quite a few of my regular friends not attending that evening, which is bad in some ways, but good in others. It forces me to try and make new ones :) 

Was very successful I think, there were a few periods where I was on my own chatting on my phone, but also plenty of interactions too. 

On arriving I joined Danni who I had seen at the vigil and had talked to briefly to at the previous one, and then again at the last LFF.

She is really nice, full of energy - looks and acts a lot younger than she professes to be. She read out a poem she had written about Brianna too. 

Sounds like she lost her phone last night from messages on the group chat though.

Got talking with a lady who I had met before, turns out she organises group meetups in Blackpool, so I gave her my number as I would love to do Blackpool, she said she would send details of the next planned trip.

Had a nice compliment about my hair from a young cis girl in the loos - was tempted to tell her where I got it from :)

I was mainly on Old Mout alcohol free cider, but I did also have a 'weak' free shot of something red. My mouth tastes like I've been on a session, and I don't feel too fresh today, I think probably due to the late night rather than anything else.

Towards the end of the night I got chatting to with a girl who was also driving and parked in the same place as me. 

She has a young child so doesn't get out as much anymore, but used to be very active on the social scene and turns out she had been influential in getting one of the other I knew out for the first time.

We both left at midnight to go back to the carpark together and swapped numbers, she seemed really nice.

I left a bit after midnight and because the car was fully charged I treated myself to a 70Mph journey and having the heating on, such decadence.

Saturday - Leeds vigil

I decided that it would still be good to get to Leeds, and with it being the last weekend of half term it would also be good to get the family out of the house for a bit too. So I enquired if they would like a lift into Leeds to go around the armouries, while I was at the vigil.

Although I wouldn't be with them for a lot of the time, I guess it still counts as being out with me, in which case this is only the third occurrence, so still pretty rare.

As it was going to be in broad daylight, and on a busy shopping day, I went with the brown wig this

time - I also remembered to do my mascara.

Traffic and a queue to get into the Trinity car park caused me to be marching at pace to get to the venue yet again - it was a 3pm start.  But I don't think I hadn't missed anything. 

It was in the park in 'Park Square', (we are very inventive with names around here). There were a lot of people there, a little gazebo with a PA system 

and sound guy. There were people floating about with very big camera's, not sure if they were TV people, or just pro video for social media etc.

It started with a bit of an intro going over her life, as short as it was, and history. Then a minutes silence with some singing - apparently they had circulated lyrics so people could join in, but I didn't see any. 

Then there was a long line of people wanting to speak. Some teens of a similar age sharing their experiences, an MP, a ex CEO of Gender GP, someone who I had seen in the pub at Wakefield but had never spoken to. The angels of freedom were patrolling too which was nice - they volunteer to look after people late at night in the freedom quarter. 

I'm a little deaf and some people were not that great at speaking into the microphone so I was straining to hear some - but there was a Scottish poet who came on, who took full advantage of the additional amplification (they would have been heard without it) to have their very heartfelt poem echoing off the buildings around the square, a memory that will stick with me for sure - really need to find who they were.

There were some strong emotions, "F*ck Terf's" was said by many people, and was also one of the song lyrics.

But there were positive messages, saying it was OK to be angry, but perhaps to try and use it for positive actions. 

I was there an hour, I hadn't worn my big black coat as it seemed a bit like funeral wear, and we had been asked to wear bright clothes - my leather jacket wasn't bright, but it did allow more of my pink polka dots to be seen, the organisers had requested pink and colourful to match her personality.

It had been spitting on and off, so I was getting quite cold, and the armouries shuts at 5pm, so I headed off just after 4pm. I think they said it was going on YouTube so I might see if I can catch the speakers I missed on there.

I met back up with the family and we drove home via KFC. 

It was good to go, as one of the speakers had said, it's a shame we have to all meet under such sad circumstances. I guess will have sparkle to look forward to for a more positive similar occasion. I wonder if she got the chance to go to any.

I am still dressed at the moment as I type which is nice, so often I am in man mode recounting Izzy activities rather than as me.

I've never been to a vigil before, it's a shame I ever have had to really. It was good to feel part of something, and to be with similar people and supporters though. 

I felt sad, and angry but clearly not as much as others there. I guess we all respond differently.