Belated updates

This is a catch-up of sorts, as I had not documented some of my outings which occurred before the previous coming out post as it felt more important to talk about then and there.

Thursday the 15th - Trans Wakefield

I had not been for a while, as I had missed the previous opportunity, and instead watched a film with my friend Ann at Meadowhall - so was nice to catch up. 

There is a guy in a wheelchair who is always there, he has trouble speaking, I think he must have had a stroke - he waved as I came in and wanted my hand, which he kissed :)  which I found quite sweet.

Phillipa was there, she had been given some pretty bad news about her cancer treatment, but she was trying to remain positive and was as lively and entertaining as normal. She may end up losing her hair, so had suggested the wig shop in Leeds if that would help. 

We were sat around the corner away from the main bar, to try and concentrate us more, and get us talking to each other. It seemed to work, there were a few good conversations about the GP process for transitioning which I absorbed. 

There was a bit of a funny incident with the loo's , I had gone into the ladies of course, and the only cubicle free was the one with the broken lock, also the first one in the row. Predictably someone else came and tried to get in - I told them I was in - which confused them greatly - clearly I have a male voice. They were loudly trying to confirm if they were in the right loos, went out, came back in. You would have thought that people coming to an LGBT bar would be able to figure out the likely cause.  

I didn't manage to team up with anyone for the pub quiz, so just sat and talked to people on Insta for a bit while they did that. There was a Dalmatian that came to say hello to everyone later in the evening, was very funny, really enjoyed a pint, so had to be kept under control. 

Friday the 16th - Nottingham city centre & Evening Invasion

I had the day off, it was Nottingham Invasion in the evening, so I thought I would head down to Nottingham earlier in the day and have a look around. I had never been during the day.

I got down by 1pm ish, and I ate at a lovely cafe that specialised in jacket potatoes. (Hipo Coffee  - Carlton Street). The I headed towards the Castle.  I had been feeling a bit under the weather so I had brought some cold pills with me, and had one after lunch.

I managed to get to the Castle using the signs, and paid for a ticket. The lady behind the counter really liked my nails, which was really nice of her to say so. I took some photo's outside then went in to look around the exhibitions. I was in there an hour perhaps, then had a nice tea outside on the terrace.

Then decided I really should get around some shops, as I had not bought any clothes for nearly 24 hours and my purse was starting to feel heavy. I ended up in a Barnado's and found a really nice leather jacket, which went really well with the rest of my outfit, I was really happy to find it. I looked around a few more, eventually ending up back near the Victoria centre, which was where the car was parked. I changed my jacket for the one I had just bought there. I managed to break one of the poppers immediately, as it was a decorative one, and wasn't meant to be tugged at. But not so bad I couldn't wear it. 

I was meeting a friend later for the invasion and got a call from her to say she would be a while, so I decided to go seek food at 'The Dice Cup' gaming café which had been recommended by Joanna. I had a vegan lasagne and a latte - with oat milk. It was nice, but I did feel a bit out of place because I didn't have a beard. Also no mirrors in the loo's !!! I wanted to touch up my foundation but couldn't.

I headed back to the car as my friend was trying to get to the same car park as me, so was hoping to see her come in. Decided to try a dry shave of the top lip using the rear view mirror, didn't go too badly, didn't cut myself. Re-applied my colour corrector and foundation and lipstick.  By which time my friend arrived and we headed to Mc Donalds to feed her.

We went to the New Forrester's straight from there, which would have been easier if we had walked through the shopping centre as it was just on the other side, but it seemed to be shutting so we went the long way around the perimeter. 

Must have been 7:30pm when we arrived, there were not that many people there, but did meet a new lady who had come for the first time, but could only stay for an hour, as her excuse expired - wife wasn't aware. It was a bit cold to sit outside and my cold was kicking in despite having taken a few more pills throughout the day. I think it was about midnight when we walked back to the car park.

Was very tired when eventually got home, but it was totally worth it.  

Thursday 22nd - Chams

This was a very busy meeting, the wig people were also coming in - I'm not sure how much that contributed to getting people there though, more of a coincidence perhaps.

I had got a bargain dress from Everything5Pounds, for £2.90 - which I really loved, and had spent far too much of the work day painting my nails to match it. I messed up and had to re-do them. I was really happy with the look, really into plain dresses and patterned tights.

Ann had come along for the first time which was nice, she seemed to enjoy herself and was chatting away with the other regulars. 

One lady from Invasion also appeared which was very unexpected, don't think that had anything to do with me though, she lived close apparently.

There were a group of ladies who had not been for ages, long time members, they seemed very nice got talking with one, I think from Rutland. 

Maria also turned up - I had vague memories of speaking with her while I was very drunk at Leeds the last time, in the Smokestack, so had really wanted to check I hadn't said anything too embarrassing, but it appears not. I shall have to try harder next time. Spent quite a while talking with her, it was nice.

I didn't get around everyone though, I shall try to inflict myself upon those I missed next time.

The app to charge my car hadn't worked at the church, so I had to drive back at 60mph, as I really didn't fancy stopping to charge. Was very tired the next day, and I had to work too. Got it working at home the next day, think it needed to be updated.

 

Incremental Coming Out ++

So in short I just came out to my mum over WhatsApp messenger - we had what seemed a tortuously long chat via messenger - due to waiting for replies, then we then had a nice 40 minute call together.

Key phrase from chat, and the photo I sent her :

"That is me, I am transgender, I currently present as female  on a regular basis"

I am a bit emotional at the moment, relived, drained, happy,  anxious of how my dad will react.

Joanna has been lovely as well as other friends I've been in touch with during/since.

The longer version:

I had thought that my parents were suspicious of me (seems I was wrong) , I had visited them on Saturday, and not much was said other than that mum liked my new hair. 

I have been growing it on top, in the hope I may be able to have a fairly ambiguous swept over style.

Then today she sent me a WhatsApp suggesting that there was something else different about me, she was convinced I had been wearing contact lenses instead of my usual glasses. I had my glasses on, so no idea how she thought that.

Anyway, since she had got the idea that something was different about me, I thought it might be the easiest opportunity I would ever get to do the deed, so I replied :

"My eyebrows were heavily plucked, my nails were long, and my arms were shaved, my hair is being grown long. My boots had side zips because they were female ones."

I sent that, then the photo above, and this wasn't sufficient as it turns out, so in the end "That is me, I am transgender, I currently present as female  on a regular basis"

We chatted a bit more, then eventually she asked if she could call me. I was going to chicken out, as I was pretty done by this point, but thought I should be brave and get it over with.

It was a lovely call, she was very supportive, and sorry that I had felt the need to hide for so long. We discussed how it affected the family , my wife and kids, and future plans for transition. How my dad was likely to react. That I should be the one to tell my brother - not today though.

I'm not sure it could have gone any better !!

I had assumed it would not go that well at all, I feel a bit guilty for assuming the worst. I had been distancing myself from them, and being rather withdrawn as a result, and they had noticed. 

I suppose could still go bad with my dad, but only time will tell.

Anyway it's another excuse off the list, what will be will be.

Strange times

 Thursday

My work is trying to get everyone back in the office, however the finance team as a whole seems to be getting special treatment. I am also one of the few who's office was closed for good during covid. I was asked what I would be prepared to do, and I suggested going in a few times a month.

The nearest office to me that has space is at Burton upon Trent , which enables me to drive past Chams on the way home if the planets align with my dates.

The first such occurrence was Thursday. I had gotten there quite early, as I really couldn't be bothered working for any longer. But didn't have long to wait as Lynn turned up quite early, and I said hello in the car park. She was able to identify me by my voice at least. 

I had heard the news of the Queens death on the way over, which was all rather unexpected. I guess they go pretty quick at that age. 

I did an insta-izzy basic transformation, which seemed to go quite well, and donned a Voodoo Vixen mustard polka dot dress for the evening. I had taken the blue platinum wig because it was already in a box from the last LFF.

Shortly after I manged to score a lovey black lace dress from Lynn , which given the events is a rather suitable outfit. Not that it is a funeral outfit at all, more the colour I mean. I tried it on for size, and then thought might as well keep it on.

There was a new person - new to me at least, who seemed really nice. It was a good evening overall, although was pretty tired by the end of it. I had bought some nice biscuits from Trowel on the way, chocolate with ginger. 

Joanna was absent with childcare duties which was a shame as I know how much she misses the meetings.

Music seemed to be one of the main topics of the day, and Nirvana's 'In Utero' got a negative mention. This again was a bit of a coincidence, as on the way back I was getting very frustrated at the radio stations who had all been told to go to a subdued playlist. So I hit the CD button, and was blessed with 'In Utero'. Which to be honest didn't keep me entertained that long as I skipped a lot.

Friday - I had a few drinks with my brother after work. I wasn't sure if he had been given the task of finding out what is going on with me. He is being super nice and telling me he is around if I need to talk. 

Perhaps my parents have put him up to it. Anyway I largely avoided talking about everything Izzy related, although couldn't help mention going out around a few places.

I am popping to my parents next weekend. I will see if any more questions arise.

Saturday - we did family things in man-mode, we went to Barnsley and went around the new Glassworks shopping centre. Ate out at the 'Falco Lounge' there. I had Slow-cooked beef brisket, black beans and mature cheddar served with spicy rice, spring onion, red chilli and yoghurt. It was lovely.

Managed to get my wife to help me purchase an autumnal patterned Kurt Muller dress off the market, which was nice of her.

I went for a run later in the evening to try and burn off the calories.

Sunday - I got dressed to do a load of photo's for Insta. I had a backlog of dresses to try on, and also a lace chemise to hide the boob area of some dresses I had not felt able to wear as my forms were visible. They all seemed to work quite well !

Which is nice as they would really have been a waste of money otherwise.

I must add that I don't just buy them for Insta, I actually want to wear them out. But it's useful to have a try on day, and get lots of photo's to narrow down options for choosing :) 

Tonal inconsistency

Thursday

Went to the cinema at Meadowhall with my friend Ann after work on Thursday.

I've never really been into Marvel, but said I was happy to watch the new Thor film 'Love and Thunder'. I wasn't really my cup of tea and afterwards Ann said it perhaps wasn't the best one to watch first. 

But the music choices in it were nice - I think there were three Guns and Roses songs in the end - one of my teenage loves.

We ate at Pizza express first, which was very nice, I had La Reine "The queen" which was ham, mushrooms and olives.

Didn't look in many shops, as we were planning on going around Leeds the next day.

Went back to her hotel for a tea and talked for a bit then I headed home. A very pleasant evening.

Friday

I spent quite a while getting ready in the morning, I wanted to do my eyeliner wings while at home, so i wasn't stressing on the hotel. I do like them to by symmetrical and it takes me an age sometimes. 

It would be the first time the kids would be left on their own for more than half an hour, so I also made sure to make them some lunch. They are both at big school now, so I think it's time we can be a bit more relaxed about leaving them. I ended up checking on them every hour all afternoon until my wife came home from work.

Got into Leeds around 11:30 , and met up with Ann for a coffee in Costa, then we wandered around the shops. Got another (but much cheaper) handbag in T.K.Maxx, then we decided to have a look in the wig shop - this was a mistake.  I have another nice wig, but Ann also ended up with one, so we are even.

These were some of the rejects, I tried at least 10 on I think. Ann bought the middle one.

This is the one I ended up with taken at the Thai restaurant later in the day:

We had a tea and shared a scone in John Lewis, then headed back to check into our rooms at the Travelodge.

We ate out at the lovely Thai place which is just next to the hotel.

I had green chicken curry, and we got a sharing plater for starters. Was gorgeous, but felt very fat afterwards.

After the meal we did an outfit change, then headed for the Marriot.

Had a few drinks in there, I met some more Insta people. It was  little sparse at first, there was a memorial service for the lady that had started the LFF event. But we both felt it would be a little strange to go, as we had never met them. 

Plenty of others were in the bar, so it wasn't too bad.

We did Fibre next, then the Viaduct showbar, back to Fibre , then to smokestack before finishing in the New Penny. Tried some cocktails in the show bar, this was a bad idea.

I had way too much to drink overall, and was feeling really rough in the morning. But I had no man mode fall-back, so I had to get ready. I managed to eat breakfast , but didn't massively help.

I looked a lot better than I felt.

We went for a walk down the river to the Armouries, and had a wander around there for a bit, and another tea.

I felt OK to drive by about 1pm, got home and went back to bed, a bit of a waste of a day really.

Next time I will be good. Well I'll probably be driving for a start, so I will have to be.

Title is referring to what the critics said about the film, and also my tinnitus which is always worse after a night out.

 

The Pride of Manchester

I didn't use to mind a pint of 'The Cream of Manchester' but I understand it never tasted the same after they moved production out of the city....

This is largely a record of events over a weekend, and will be a wall of text. I have done a small summary for those with less free time :)

TLDR:

Insta friends on march day

I had a really good time, lots of walking, and a few hours of intense dancing meant my feet hurt for days afterwards - bit too busy though. Sparkle was a better size, but good to experience, and I'm sure will be back next year. 

Met some Insta people who it seems are quite likely to become good friends with. Already booking future events where we can meet.

Was great to see the massive level of support, there were so many very spectators along the route ! 

---

An Insta friend (Hannah) who I had not met in person messaged me the previous Sunday asking if I was going to Manchester pride - as she knew I was fairly active around these parts. 

I was keen to meet up with them, they seemed like a really nice - so on the spur of the moment I booked a room for Friday, and got a ticket for the Gay Village, and put a leave request in with my work, and ordered some dresses ..... 

Later in the week another Insta friend (Romile) asked if I was going, so I ended up with two meetups planned for the pride weekend.

Friday

I was out at Chams the night before, and as a result I wasn't able to pack everything in advance, as the makeup was needed for that.

I did at least pick out some outfits on the Wednesday night. So as normal I was running around like a headless chicken trying to get ready and pack.

I go for hard mode adventuring these days, no man mode fall back, go out dressed, come back dressed.

Hannah was going up for the full weekend, Thursday to Sunday, Romile was only coming for the Saturday late morning to late afternoon.

My plan was to get to Manchester before lunch on the Friday to perhaps have it with Hannah, but someone had broken down in the fast lane of the M62 which put me behind schedule, my friend had already eaten by the time I arrived and was shopping with their mum, so I went and found somewhere to eat by myself.

I also had a bit of a panic while driving, I suddenly realised I may not have packed my foundation or lipstick. 

Found a nice plant based restaurant in the northern quarter - Purezza, was really nice inside, I had courgetti spaghetti with pesto 

and a Lychee Zen Zero mocktail. It was so nice I gifted them my jacket as a tip  - I remembered and came back for it later :)

They were very friendly, they had a special pride bottomless brunch on they were keen to tell me about, pride flags in the windows etc.

I had a quick rummage in the car before I went for food, and confirmed I couldn't see the foundation, so I headed to the Arndale centre to try and buy some.

I looked in a few expensive places with makeup counters, but as usual they didn't seem to have many people on to come and help.

Ended up in Superdrug , where I found a lovely young lady who was brilliant, and helped match up some L'Oreal foundation for me, cheap too !

Randomly picked a lipstick up too.  

Then messaged to my friend to see where they had got to, and turns out they were not far away. We decided to go to canal street for a look around, and on the way back

I realised I wasn't overheating badly - and then remembered the jacket, so we took a detour to retrieve that :)

I showed her around canal street, we took some selfies outside the New Union pub (has angel wings mural) and got a beer in there. Got chatting to really friendly gay guys for a bit in there.

Then we decided to go get a picture next to the Alan Turing sculpture in Sackville gardens, but it was fenced off because they were setting it up for the evening - so we did the Vimto sculpture instead.

At that point my hotel was available to check in (3pm)  , so she offered to come back to the car park and help me take my bags. It's 10 minute walk, I like that one because it's only a few turns off the main road, so easy to get in/out without doing the city centre.

On arrival, we were offered free gin !! I thought it was flat bubbly at first. Once I had my room key card, they also gave me a brown paper bag with 2 more cans of G&T, crisps, water and chocolate bars !

We went to the room, and used the facilities, then headed back to canal street.

Had a few more drinks there, then headed to meet her mum for some food as it was getting past 6pm, and really needed some food before having much more to drink.

Ended up at Pizza Express, had a nice margarita in there.  Then we went back to her hotel so she could do a quick change, then randomly we decided to go visit a filming location for 'Life on Mars' scene where Sam Tyler get's run over. It was a bit of a trek, but it was fun. Then we went back to my hotel so I could change, then back to canal street.

I certainly got a lot of steps in that day !

I had noticed a massive queue inside the Gay Village cordon while we walked past it to get to my hotel, and I had joked I hope that's not for the arm bands - spoiler , it was :(

We got a drink when entering the village and I corned a random reveller to see where the arm bands were, and he pointed me where I had hoped he would not. We only spent about 20 mins queuing, it was really long, snaking back and forth, but moving quickly, and we were at least two of the sensible few who had brought a refreshing beverage to queue with :)

It was absolutely rammed outside on the street itself but it wasn't too bad in the clubs.

We did a number of different ones, due to some miscommunication with a really cute bar man, I ended up with a G&T in one hand and a pint of summer fruits cider in another, which made dancing harder :)

We moved next door, and then I spotted some friends that I have hung around Manchester and LFF and Nottingham before dancing on the stage - I didn't know they were also coming. 

So we met up with them and did a couple of other bars.

It was getting on for 11pm by this point, Hannah had come with her mum, and she had promised them not to be out too late as she was worried about walking back to her hotel which was about 10mins away towards the other railway station.

I felt a bit responsible for her, so I confirmed my other friends plans, and decided to walk her back to her hotel. She was very thankful - there was no trouble, she would have been fine but I would have worried. Of course I am totally invincible after a few beers, so I had no worries about walking back myself ..... 

I came back, but found a lot of places now had really long queues, and they were also charging entry. So I picked the one I thought was most likely they would end up in. There was a nice guy in the queue

who was worried that I was on my own, and offered to let me stay with his group of friends while I waited, but I really just needed to sit down, so I went and found a barstool to rest on.

I had done so much walking and dancing that night my feet were pretty bad - I even had trainers on !

Anyway they didn't turn up, so I decided to go get some sausage and chips and go to bed. I didn't want to be too hungover for watching the pride march, and I had a really good night by this point already, so though might as well get some sleep.

I think it was only about 1am before I had got all my makeup off and finished my chips.

---

Saturday 

I got woken up by police sirens at 5am, so didn't' have the best sleep, but still managed to get up at around 8am. Had a shower and a shave and did some 'it will do' makeup - in the process finding the foundation I thought I had left at home.

So I've not even unwrapped the new one yet .. doh 

Breakfast selfie

Did breakfast which was a bit awkward as he couldn't find me by surname on the list , then he double checked my first name in less than discrete volumes - not on purpose he was a nice friendly guy, he just wasn't thinking. 

I book under my real name to avoid payment issues.

Also there were no beans !! 

But I will let them off all this for the free gin, which I still haven't drunk and are in my fridge.

I had to check out by 12am, and my other friends train was due in just before 11, so I checked out at 10:30ish, and took my bags back to the car, which wasn't far from the Piccadilly railway station.

Managed to meet up with my friend outside there. You couldn't miss her, big dress, petticoats, blond wig and purple beard. She is certainly a challenge to those that fear the middle ground of gender identity.

She was also lovely - I knew she would be, we had talked a lot on Insta.

We headed back to canal street and once again I did my best tour guide impersonation, we got some nice selfies, aided by random members of the public. Then we headed out of the other side to find a good place on the pride march route to observe. Ended up opposite the Subway shop on Portland Street. Had a really good chat about where we both were and our circumstances.

We took advantage of the closed road to do some pictures, and some of the friends from last night who I had lost saw me and came over to say hi, which was nice. 

Hannah met up with us there too.

I had bought a trans flag the day before from a vendor for a million pounds, so I put that around me like a cape and fastened it with a hair clip which sort of worked.

I also had bought a trans belt from Etsy which I put on.

Got talking to a lady who had brought her kids to watch it, she was dressed up for it, it was a 'Peace' theme, she was really lovely.

We chatted for a bit, then watched the march come past and enjoying the atmosphere - Romile was getting a lot of nice shouted comments, and hive fives from the people marching past about her outfit and look, must have been in double digits at least.

I think she was getting a bit embarrassed by the attention. There was lots of whooping, and cheering and clapping. I wasn't that keen to be really close, more of a 2nd row person. 

There were a LOT of groups, it got to the 100th group and I was getting a bit tired and my legs were not happy at all.

By the 200th group I was in real pain. I'm not sure how many there were in the end, as hannah was also feeling it, we must have been stood for 2.5 hours by this point, and she 

decided to call it day and go meet her mum for a coffee, and I decided to tag along. Said out goodbyes to Romille who wanted to stay longer, then we had to cross over through a march group

to get to the Arndale centre. It was at an angle so in effect i did join the march for several meters at least :)

I had a nice sarnie and coffee in the Arndale Centre Pret and said my goodbyes to Hannah, then headed home. Stopped off at a McDonalds on the way back to use the loos and charge my car.

Was so tired, really wanted to get home and rest. I think was just after 5pm I was home. Reverted back to male mode when I got it, was too hot. 

But I put a thin dress back on a bit later after having a soak in the bath to ease my legs - I don't normally like presenting as male and wearing one, but it was a lot more comfy and easier than putting male jeans on.

Infiltration successful

 -- Fantasy --

Mission Report 25/08/2022 - Infiltration successful 

After many fruitless months of attending the head branch of the trans-mafia in the trans capital of the UK 'Nottingham' my perseverance has finally paid off.

Hardly any mention of refrigerated condiments - (I have since deduced this is a mind game designed to weed out the unworthy) - their evil plan to take over the world was revealed to me. 

They are still careful to disguise the plan, in case they are being bugged. They do so in a very simple but cunning way - by discussing the plan as if it were being used against the trans community, for example :

Minority groups influencing other minority groups to despise and attack other minority groups - in this case religious organisations influencing radical feminists against trans folk.

But clearly all that needs to be done is to swap the order of the parties in said plan to reveal the true meaning of the discussion ! 

Agent J was not there this time, I understand she is attempting to gain influence in a multinational corporation selling overpriced goods to poor people, and is going up the ladder to do this.

However a new contender for the role of chief political officer seemed to take up where she has left off, I do not recall her designation, I will attempt to befriend her more at a later date.

The standard bribe of Jaffa cakes may work, although I seem to end up eating far too many, and central command is getting funny about my expense claims.

One new recruit turned up, and was immediately offered the favoured mind control drug of choice 'tea'.

An old hand also arrived late, she purported to have experience with munitions ! - I will watch this one closely.

Central will be most pleased with my progress, perhaps they will consider keeping my wife and children captive for longer, they had been threatening to return them, and with electricity prices as they are, it's better for me that they remain captive.

[n.b. My wife claims to read this blog, this is purely a test of this :) ]

-- Truth --

Went to Chams on Thursday night, it was nice , 9 people including me, tried the charger at the hall. Needed to faff adding yet another app, and then register and add credit card to said app. But it's done for next time.

I learnt more about politics, and also that I had probably been waving the wrong end of my credit card at many things for many months .... 

Joanna was not there, and missed, and I know she also missed being there. But there is always next time.

I wore too much eyeshadow, but it was fun putting it on.

The new 'New Foresters'

 

Decided to go to the Nottingham Invasion again, as I had the Friday off, and could get ready a bit early. I needed to get my hair cut in the morning, and had a bit of a smooch around Wakefield in man mode for that.

I am attempting to grow it on the top, to perhaps end up with a bit of a swept over undercut look, which might work OK in both modes. He sort of put me off the undercut though, he left it long on top with no 2 on the sides, but it sort of blends in. Will see how it grows.

I was contemplating going to Nottingham early and having a look around, but it would have meant either changing for the evening, or going in something that was OK for both. Decided just to go for the evening in the end.

The dress I chose was nice, but has some weird elastic that sort of seemed to want to expose me ! 

Managed to get the chargers working in the car park, the Victoria Centre North one - there was a review that said you could only pay with RFID, but I installed the app for the company and was able to start a charge via that once I had faffed about adding a credit card to it.

The meeting pub 'The New Foresters' has recently changed hands, and there was some concern it would lose it's LGBT+ status, but it seems to be even better than it was before.

They have a great neon sign in the beer garden for a start !  Couldn't get full advantage of it, as there were a group of fairly drunk people sat in front of it, but there will be more opportunities.

It was a fairly good turnout, and met up with a few people I knew, and also had some conversations with some that were new to me. Got a nice FB message from one who added me the next day. Sold some of them on the idea of LFF, so perhaps will see them there too.

I had tried to get one of the twitch streamers I follow to attend, but she bailed, but think she's going to LFF next time.

The people who normally end up with the role of herding us around Nottingham didn't seem to be there that night, so we spent all of it in the pub. But it was still a really nice night. They had a singer on too who seemed pretty good. Better than the Karaoke they used to have on. 

I left about midnight, it's over an hour to get home from there, so it's best to set off before getting too tired.